I hate the term "unexplained infertility" - because it sounds like a statement imposed on you...like somebody has stapled that label to your soul... I refuse to own that label. Because my faith in God brings hope to my soul. Labels only stick if you accept them. I respect my various medical practitioners knowledge and experience, but my faith is bigger than their knowledge.
The fertility journey is not an easy one. If you don't have a thick skin before you find yourself on this journey, you either grow one, or live a miserable life. So many people choose to accept the label imposed on them, so instead of choosing to be positive, they fall into what Anne of Green Gables refers to as, "the depths of despair". Happiness is a choice. Along this journey of living with a deep desire to be parents, are many, many, many challenges and unexpected roadblocks or detours. It either draws you closer as a couple, or you get stuck in the depths of despair...hopeless...jealous...angry at the world...and possibly each other.
This journey requires grace and forgiveness. If you don't have a thick skin, other peoples' comments, despite how genuinely caring they are, can stir up anger. There is no escape from the insensitive comments or unsolicited advice. Fact is, these people care about us, otherwise they would not try to be helpful - even when they are often the opposite. They don't understand. They don't intend to be hurtful. If you don't learn to be graceful and forgive, you could be a very bitter person.
Here are some of the most common, unhelpful comments received by those on this journey:
"Are you doing it right?" or "Are you ovulating?" or "Are you doing it at the right times?"
"Don't you want kids?"
"Stop worrying"
"Just relax and it will happen"
"You better get a hurry on, you're not getting younger!"
"You can't possibly be as tired as me" (a new mother to somebody quietly pushing through chronic fatigue!)
This is where my imagination takes me to the movie, "Madagascar". Those penguins are often in my head when I hear something I don't like... "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave". Because, unfortunately, this is so relevant. In my case, it's more like "Smile and walk away [gracefully]". Needless to say, those penguins put a smile on my face, even if the triggering comment doesn't.
I have always been that person who looks for the silver lining in everything. I've been through various traumas in my life. I've had good reasons to question my faith and even walk away from God... but instead of that, I grew closer to Him. Where many others have walked away, I found myself even more deeply grounded in my faith.
The difference with fertility, compared to the other traumas of life...is I have no control over the outcome. Through other traumas I have found ways to cope and move forward. I have healed. This one requires 100% faith. Faith that for whatever reason it is taking so long...the promise is still there. Faith that encourages you to keep walking, even if you can't see where the path is going. Faith that there is always a purpose in our suffering. Faith that, no matter what, our marriage is strong, and our love will not decrease because we are not yet parents. Faith that we will always have each others' backs. Faith that God fulfils his promises. Faith that we will always have everything we need.
I am an optimist. I am also human. Imperfect. I've been tempted to enter the depths of despair. This journey forces you to face emotions, including grief, anger, jealousy... To question, "Why me?" or "Why them?" or "How is that fair?" Once I was in a shopping centre, and a mother interacted with her child in such an abusive manner, my heart wanted to grab the child and rescue her from her ungrateful mother. It broke my heart to witness such abuse that appeared 'normal' to that family. Naturally, my heart was crying, "Why does she have children and not me??"
Almost daily, I see posts on apps or social media from people deep in the depths of despair. They are angry, jealous, desperate... To be honest, I don't read most of them. As soon as I sense any kind of negativity, I move on. I'm not interested in hearing their negatives. However, when I see fellow Christian ladies writing that they are struggling at the doorstep to the depths of despair... I read them. Because any person on this journey would be lying if they said they never felt angry, jealous or sad. For some ladies, each month turns into a cycle of grief: Denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance. Not for me. I think I've just come to the point of acceptance. Acceptance, that every month added to this journey, is a month closer to the end promise. Yes, every month is hopeful...but I don't take tests or get excited or anxious. I just wait. Wait to see what my body does. Hope for a different response... and feel sad when the same thing happens... but move on. When you've travelled this journey as long as 6-7 years (Yes, I lost count! While many ladies can tell you how many days or years including weeks, I can't even remember the start!), you kinda just keep moving. Keep living. Keep trying. Never giving up.
While many couples are investing in their families, so are we! Many don't understand just how much a childless couple invests into their future family...financially, emotionally, physically... we don't go on holidays because the money we would save towards that, is money invested into health/fertility treatments. We've been through countless blood tests, invasive medical treatments and tests (eg, HSG), taken medications that turn our emotions upside down (eg, Clomid), sometimes surgery (I had a myomectomy in 2015), and sat through many conversations in specialists and doctors offices. It's not fun! But we would do it all again if we had to. Currently, I am invested in natural therapies. We have no current interest in medical interventions such as IVF. We support those who do go through it, but don't feel drawn to that path. The things you learn about the human body, on this journey! I would gladly be ignorant and have children in my arms, than have the knowledge I have...but as I am not currently holding my children, I am grateful for the knowledge.
One thing I wish others would understand is, it's not personal. One unexpected pregnancy/birth announcement can tip us off balance, emotionally, but add 2 or 3 to that, and we find ourselves just trying to stand, emotionally. It's not that we don't care, or aren't happy for the parents/parents to be. It's just hard to focus on that news and not feel sad that it's not us. It's another reminder of what we do not yet have. We have many friends who have not only started their families during the time we've been trying, but also completed their families. 2-4 children in the same time we still have none. Don't get me wrong, we are happy for the couples. We just need a little time to process. If you see a "Like" or happy emoticon on a social media post, please know that small gesture took a lot more than a quick thought. It is a piece of our heart. If you don't see a comment, please know it's not due to lack of care. Sometimes the "Like" is all our heart can offer at that time. But please also understand that small piece of our heart, is full of love and happiness for you.
So....as another year comes towards a close, and another almost completed year added to this journey, I am still hopeful. As with last year, and the years before that... I will enter the new year with the hope that this time next year will be different... and faith that if it isn't... my heart will be ok.
The fertility journey is not an easy one. If you don't have a thick skin before you find yourself on this journey, you either grow one, or live a miserable life. So many people choose to accept the label imposed on them, so instead of choosing to be positive, they fall into what Anne of Green Gables refers to as, "the depths of despair". Happiness is a choice. Along this journey of living with a deep desire to be parents, are many, many, many challenges and unexpected roadblocks or detours. It either draws you closer as a couple, or you get stuck in the depths of despair...hopeless...jealous...angry at the world...and possibly each other.
This journey requires grace and forgiveness. If you don't have a thick skin, other peoples' comments, despite how genuinely caring they are, can stir up anger. There is no escape from the insensitive comments or unsolicited advice. Fact is, these people care about us, otherwise they would not try to be helpful - even when they are often the opposite. They don't understand. They don't intend to be hurtful. If you don't learn to be graceful and forgive, you could be a very bitter person.
Here are some of the most common, unhelpful comments received by those on this journey:
"Are you doing it right?" or "Are you ovulating?" or "Are you doing it at the right times?"
"Don't you want kids?"
"Stop worrying"
"Just relax and it will happen"
"You better get a hurry on, you're not getting younger!"
"You can't possibly be as tired as me" (a new mother to somebody quietly pushing through chronic fatigue!)
This is where my imagination takes me to the movie, "Madagascar". Those penguins are often in my head when I hear something I don't like... "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave". Because, unfortunately, this is so relevant. In my case, it's more like "Smile and walk away [gracefully]". Needless to say, those penguins put a smile on my face, even if the triggering comment doesn't.
I have always been that person who looks for the silver lining in everything. I've been through various traumas in my life. I've had good reasons to question my faith and even walk away from God... but instead of that, I grew closer to Him. Where many others have walked away, I found myself even more deeply grounded in my faith.
The difference with fertility, compared to the other traumas of life...is I have no control over the outcome. Through other traumas I have found ways to cope and move forward. I have healed. This one requires 100% faith. Faith that for whatever reason it is taking so long...the promise is still there. Faith that encourages you to keep walking, even if you can't see where the path is going. Faith that there is always a purpose in our suffering. Faith that, no matter what, our marriage is strong, and our love will not decrease because we are not yet parents. Faith that we will always have each others' backs. Faith that God fulfils his promises. Faith that we will always have everything we need.
I am an optimist. I am also human. Imperfect. I've been tempted to enter the depths of despair. This journey forces you to face emotions, including grief, anger, jealousy... To question, "Why me?" or "Why them?" or "How is that fair?" Once I was in a shopping centre, and a mother interacted with her child in such an abusive manner, my heart wanted to grab the child and rescue her from her ungrateful mother. It broke my heart to witness such abuse that appeared 'normal' to that family. Naturally, my heart was crying, "Why does she have children and not me??"
Almost daily, I see posts on apps or social media from people deep in the depths of despair. They are angry, jealous, desperate... To be honest, I don't read most of them. As soon as I sense any kind of negativity, I move on. I'm not interested in hearing their negatives. However, when I see fellow Christian ladies writing that they are struggling at the doorstep to the depths of despair... I read them. Because any person on this journey would be lying if they said they never felt angry, jealous or sad. For some ladies, each month turns into a cycle of grief: Denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance. Not for me. I think I've just come to the point of acceptance. Acceptance, that every month added to this journey, is a month closer to the end promise. Yes, every month is hopeful...but I don't take tests or get excited or anxious. I just wait. Wait to see what my body does. Hope for a different response... and feel sad when the same thing happens... but move on. When you've travelled this journey as long as 6-7 years (Yes, I lost count! While many ladies can tell you how many days or years including weeks, I can't even remember the start!), you kinda just keep moving. Keep living. Keep trying. Never giving up.
While many couples are investing in their families, so are we! Many don't understand just how much a childless couple invests into their future family...financially, emotionally, physically... we don't go on holidays because the money we would save towards that, is money invested into health/fertility treatments. We've been through countless blood tests, invasive medical treatments and tests (eg, HSG), taken medications that turn our emotions upside down (eg, Clomid), sometimes surgery (I had a myomectomy in 2015), and sat through many conversations in specialists and doctors offices. It's not fun! But we would do it all again if we had to. Currently, I am invested in natural therapies. We have no current interest in medical interventions such as IVF. We support those who do go through it, but don't feel drawn to that path. The things you learn about the human body, on this journey! I would gladly be ignorant and have children in my arms, than have the knowledge I have...but as I am not currently holding my children, I am grateful for the knowledge.
One thing I wish others would understand is, it's not personal. One unexpected pregnancy/birth announcement can tip us off balance, emotionally, but add 2 or 3 to that, and we find ourselves just trying to stand, emotionally. It's not that we don't care, or aren't happy for the parents/parents to be. It's just hard to focus on that news and not feel sad that it's not us. It's another reminder of what we do not yet have. We have many friends who have not only started their families during the time we've been trying, but also completed their families. 2-4 children in the same time we still have none. Don't get me wrong, we are happy for the couples. We just need a little time to process. If you see a "Like" or happy emoticon on a social media post, please know that small gesture took a lot more than a quick thought. It is a piece of our heart. If you don't see a comment, please know it's not due to lack of care. Sometimes the "Like" is all our heart can offer at that time. But please also understand that small piece of our heart, is full of love and happiness for you.
So....as another year comes towards a close, and another almost completed year added to this journey, I am still hopeful. As with last year, and the years before that... I will enter the new year with the hope that this time next year will be different... and faith that if it isn't... my heart will be ok.
