Reflections on 2019

I wrote this on my Facebook page yesterday, New Year's Eve:

"2019... you have been one bumpy ride! But no path worth travelling is simple. There have been many unexpected bumps, potholes and detours on the road this year...but many of us have just kept travelling. Trusting the path... trusting that no setback would be too hard... and choosing to move forward. So here we are...at the end of 2019, and we can smile that we made it! We survived the bumpy ride, and whatever is on the other side of the door (2020) is a fresh, new page of a new chapter. Stay strong, and don't lose hope. This bumpy ride prepared us for greater things!"

2019 was a big year! A year where God's peace & joy we're proven many times in my heart. Where I found myself facing unexpected challenges that could have turned my world upside down...or given me the strength to keep walking along the bumpy path with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
I chose the latter. Despite the trials, I can joyfully say God has me in the palm of His hand. He only wants the best for me and my family...and no matter what, He supplies all my needs. 2019 tested that belief, and only made my faith increase.

I learned what it is like to fully trust God with my finances. I faced the possibility of being made redundant. I knew in my heart that whatever the result, I would be ok. As challenging and unsettling as it was, I maintained peace in my heart. The morning of our individual meetings to tell us if we still had our jobs, and if our hours would be changed... I took the train and enjoyed the walk  to work. My heart was peaceful and hopeful. I saw a rainbow as I was nearing work. That was God's still, small voice saying, "I have you covered".
I still have a job, but lost a significant amount of hours... But seeing how things have turned out, I know God knew the best outcome for me, even if it was initially disappointing. I can still cover my bills, and have the opportunity to make up hours when available. So, it turned out ok.

2019 was also a milestone year for me. I turned 40. I still don't know how 40 is supposed to feel, but I'm sure it's not how I feel! People can't believe my age, which is nice.  Life has not gone the way I expected. I never thought I'd be childless at 40. The Bible says, in his heart man plans his steps, but it's the Lord's plan that prevails. 2019 certainly proved that.

This is more of a highlight reel of the many challenges faced during the year. There were many things that unsuccessfully tried to steal my joy. Many times I felt mentally and physically exhausted...but I always saw a rainbow when I needed reassurance and hope. 

There was a period of withdrawal. I lost interest in things I previously enjoyed...struggled to reply to messages and emails... I didn't realise the significance of my behaviour until my naturopath labelled it. She turned on the lightbulb of realisation. There were times I just couldn't understand my own behaviour... The fatigue that was unrelated to previously medically diagnosed fatigue. 2019 gave me experiences of being human in ways I previously never knew.

2019 was a year of testing and growth. A bumpy road, but a road worth travelling. The end of a decade.

I know that whatever 2020 holds, there will always be a rainbow when I need one...I will always be surrounded by love, and God will supply all my needs.
I am hopeful of promises coming to pass....to experience the "double portion blessings" related to "2020".

Goodbye Chapter 2019... Hello new chapter 2020!

God is bigger than a label - fertility journey

I hate the term "unexplained infertility" - because it sounds like a statement imposed on you...like somebody has stapled that label to your soul... I refuse to own that label. Because my faith in God brings hope to my soul. Labels only stick if you accept them. I respect my various medical practitioners knowledge and experience, but my faith is bigger than their knowledge.

The fertility journey is not an easy one. If you don't have a thick skin before you find yourself on this journey, you either grow one, or live a miserable life. So many people choose to accept the label imposed on them, so instead of choosing to be positive, they fall into what Anne of Green Gables refers to as, "the depths of despair". Happiness is a choice. Along this journey of living with a deep desire to be parents, are many, many, many challenges and unexpected roadblocks or detours. It either draws you closer as a couple, or you get stuck in the depths of despair...hopeless...jealous...angry at the world...and possibly each other.

This journey requires grace and forgiveness. If you don't have a thick skin, other peoples' comments, despite how genuinely caring they are, can stir up anger. There is no escape from the insensitive comments or unsolicited advice. Fact is, these people care about us, otherwise they would not try to be helpful - even when they are often the opposite. They don't understand. They don't intend to be hurtful. If you don't learn to be graceful and forgive, you could be a very bitter person.

Here are some of the most common, unhelpful comments received by those on this journey:
"Are you doing it right?" or  "Are you ovulating?" or "Are you doing it at the right times?"
"Don't you want kids?"
"Stop worrying"
"Just relax and it will happen"
"You better get a hurry on, you're not getting younger!"
"You can't possibly be as tired as me" (a new mother to somebody quietly pushing through chronic fatigue!)

This is where my imagination takes me to the movie, "Madagascar". Those penguins are often in my head when I hear something I don't like... "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave". Because, unfortunately, this is so relevant. In my case, it's more like "Smile and walk away [gracefully]". Needless to say, those penguins put a smile on my face, even if the triggering comment doesn't.

I have always been that person who looks for the silver lining in everything. I've been through various traumas in my life. I've had good reasons to question my faith and even walk away from God... but instead of that, I grew closer to Him. Where many others have walked away, I found myself even more deeply grounded in my faith.

The difference with fertility, compared to the other traumas of life...is I have no control over the outcome. Through other traumas I have found ways to cope and move forward. I have healed. This one requires 100% faith. Faith that for whatever reason it is taking so long...the promise is still there. Faith that encourages you to keep walking, even if you can't see where the path is going. Faith that there is always a purpose in our suffering. Faith that, no matter what, our marriage is strong, and our love will not decrease because we are not yet parents. Faith that we will always have each others' backs. Faith that God fulfils his promises. Faith that we will always have everything we need.

I am an optimist. I am also human. Imperfect. I've been tempted to enter the depths of despair. This journey forces you to face emotions, including grief, anger, jealousy... To question, "Why me?" or "Why them?" or "How is that fair?" Once I was in a shopping centre, and a mother interacted with her child in such an abusive manner, my heart wanted to grab the child and rescue her from her ungrateful mother. It broke my heart to witness such abuse that appeared 'normal' to that family. Naturally, my heart was crying, "Why does she have children and not me??"

Almost daily, I see posts on apps or social media from people deep in the depths of despair. They are angry, jealous, desperate... To be honest, I don't read most of them. As soon as I sense any kind of negativity, I move on. I'm not interested in hearing their negatives. However, when I see fellow Christian ladies writing that they are struggling at the doorstep to the depths of despair... I read them. Because any person on this journey would be lying if they said they never felt angry, jealous or sad. For some ladies, each month turns into a cycle of grief: Denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance. Not for me. I think I've just come to the point of acceptance. Acceptance, that every month added to this journey, is a month closer to the end promise. Yes, every month is hopeful...but I don't take tests or get excited or anxious. I just wait. Wait to see what my body does. Hope for a different response... and feel sad when the same thing happens... but move on. When you've travelled this journey as long as 6-7 years (Yes, I lost count! While many ladies can tell you how many days or years including weeks, I can't even remember the start!), you kinda just keep moving. Keep living. Keep trying. Never giving up.

While many couples are investing in their families, so are we! Many don't understand just how much a childless couple invests into their future family...financially, emotionally, physically... we don't go on holidays because the money we would save towards that, is money invested into health/fertility treatments. We've been through countless blood tests, invasive medical treatments and tests (eg, HSG), taken medications that turn our emotions upside down (eg, Clomid), sometimes surgery (I had a myomectomy in 2015), and sat through many conversations in specialists and doctors offices. It's not fun! But we would do it all again if we had to. Currently, I am invested in natural therapies. We have no current interest in medical interventions such as IVF. We support those who do go through it, but don't feel drawn to that path. The things you learn about the human body, on this journey! I would gladly be ignorant and have children in my arms, than have the knowledge I have...but as I am not currently holding my children, I am grateful for the knowledge.

One thing I wish others would understand is, it's not personal. One unexpected pregnancy/birth announcement can tip us off balance, emotionally, but add 2 or 3 to that, and we find ourselves just trying to stand, emotionally. It's not that we don't care, or aren't happy for the parents/parents to be. It's just hard to focus on that news and not feel sad that it's not us. It's another reminder of what we do not yet have. We have many friends who have not only started their families during the time we've been trying, but also completed their families. 2-4 children in the same time we still have none. Don't get me wrong, we are happy for the couples. We just need a little time to process. If you see a "Like" or happy emoticon on a social media post, please know that small gesture took a lot more than a quick thought. It is a piece of our heart. If you don't see a comment, please know it's not due to lack of care. Sometimes the "Like" is all our heart can offer at that time. But please also understand that small piece of our heart, is full of love and happiness for you.

So....as another year comes towards a close, and another almost completed year added to this journey, I am still hopeful. As with last year, and the years before that... I will enter the new year with the hope that this time next year will be different... and faith that if it isn't... my heart will be ok.

Lemonade at the Gates

Recently, I was thinking about a post by an amazing blogger, Waiting For Baby Bird http://waitingforbabybird.com She describes the feelings of infertility, comparing it to being at an amusement park. I'll copy her analogy, then write my response.

"What is infertility like? 

It's like going to an amusement park and you don't have a ticket. And no matter how much you try, plead or beg you can't get one. So instead, you must stand back at the gates, and watch everyone laugh, play and enjoy the rides. You can hear the music, smell the cotton candy on the breeze, and see the joy all around you, but you cannot partake in all of the fun.

It's frustrating.
It's more than heartbreaking.
It's feeling completely left out".

I am one of those ladies currently stuck at the gates. It's sometimes lonely, but there are so many others stuck with me, it's also often a place of support.
We hold tightly to the promise that we WILL get our ticket, but it can be frustrating and disappointing having to wait so long. Years for many of us. But we continue to wait in faith.

But... I am also making lemonade. Some of us at the gates are choosing to make lemonade from the lemons that life has thrown at us. The lemons keep coming, but so does the lemonade.

So, please don't take it lightly when we offer you some lemonade over the fence. For us, the lemonade is sweet, because our attitude is genuine. We love you and are genuinely happy that you are enjoying the amusement park. But it's still breaks our hearts that we are not joining you.

We offer our lemonade in many ways, each cup representing an emotional cost. Some of our lemonade comes as a "Like" of a pregnancy or birth announcement, or even photos of your family on social media. It's attending your baby shower, or even spending time with you & your baby. It could be us being brave enough to share our journey with you.

As I said, each cup of lemonade comes with an emotional cost. It costs because being at the gates is tough. Each "Like" or "Congratulations" is often followed by feelings of, "What about me?" Why not me?", or "Why am I STILL waiting?" Crushing reminders that we are still stuck at the gates. Any lady at the gates would be lying if she didn't occasionally have those thoughts.

It's so easy to compare ourselves with others. It's even harder when you see somebody walk to the gates & see them motioned to the front of the line. They didn't even have to wait for their ticket! So again, please understand that when we offer you our lemonade, even if the cup is only half full... it is a piece of our tender heart, and we choose to offer it to you.

So, from a lady still waiting for her ticket, please don't take your ticket for granted. But please also don't hold back from us stuck at the gates. We often feel left out, with no control over when we'll have our tickets. We are cheering you on, hoping to join you one day soon. Until that day, we will continue to make lemonade at the gates. 

EU Cookies...

Does anybody know HOW to apply a notice regarding the EU cookie laws?
Blogger says I must add this, but none of their articles explain how. I have a notice ready, I just can't add it.

I think the automatic notice has been blocked by StatCounter, which I do not want to delete ;) 

Mothers Day 2018

So today is Mothers Day... 2018 has already been a difficult year, & it's only May.

This year we lost our beautiful mum/mother in law. Honestly, I'm glad she's dancing with the angels this Mothers Day...but my heart misses her so deeply. She suffered greatly with MND, but maintained a positive attitude & strong faith in God. I wish she was still here, & we could skype and chat...but that is no longer possible. It would be selfish to want to keep her on this earth, knowing how much MND stole from her... so we rejoice that she is with her saviour.

As much as it's hard not having physical children on Mothers Day, I think it's harder not having a mum... I feel too young to have lost a parent... and many much younger than me have lost parents. But life goes on. We hold on to the memories. The many wonderful memories, & thank God for blessing us with wonderful parents...for however long they are here.

Christmas 2017

Merry Christmas from sunny Melbourne! Where the only sign of snow is on tv shows...
While most homes were filled with joy & laughter, of excited children rushing out of bed to see what's under the tree... my home is quiet. The sounds of birds chirping outside, and tv occasionally break the silence.

I haven't blogged about this before... but this is how we've rolled for 9 years... just the 2 of us. The first part of those 9 years was ok. We weren't really bothered by the quietness... but this is our 4th Christmas, wondering if it will be last one with just the 2 of us... because the quietness of our home is not our choice. While we are surrounded by friends & family with children...we are left wondering when our turn will come... the journey we've been travelling these last 4 years is not one for the weak... and there are so many others, silently travelling on this same journey... So. Many.

So, again I ask if this is the last one... and place my trust in my creator... who has given us a promise... but not a time.

If you're a fellow traveller on the unexplained infertility journey, know you're not alone. We'll keep pushing on. Maybe this time next year will be different... only God knows...

2017... peace amidst the storms.

I keep hearing the prompts to reignite the flame of my writing... however... I haven't allowed the fuel to perform it's job... partly due to busyness & partly simple laziness... & then there is the sense of protecting those I love... which stops me in my tracks..

This time last year, I was hopeful that the tragedies & traumas of 2016 were behind us... then after Christmas we were given the devastating news that a beloved family member had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (MND). So 2017 has been a new journey... This Christmas will be the first year without 3 family members who passed away in 2016... and also the one year mark of the diagnosis.

After 19 years' experience working in the disability field, I found myself in an unfamiliar place. I learned what it was like to cross over from Carer to Family Member.
As a carer, I worked in many places, including homes for people with mid and end stage Huntington's Disease, & individuals with Multiple Sclerosis. I spent 8 years working 1:1 with an amazing man who has an undiagnosed regressive condition- my heart broke when he rapidly lost control of his body... I would go home and cry... he has the most amazing, positive attitude.

In the homes, I was able to care for the individuals, then go home without a significant attachment. I would wonder how the families coped, seeing their family members "disappearing". It was hard to see, but I was not one of them.
Until a year ago.
I crossed over from carer to family member. No experience prepares you for the heartbreak of your loved one's diagnosis... experience HAS helped me to understand the medical side of what they're going through, and to feel peaceful in knowing which stage they are at. But it's so hard to see the disease progress. It feels so unfair. Even if "the rain falls on the just and the unjust" (Matt. 5:45). Sometimes I wish it didn't rain at all...

So that is one big part of our journey through 2017.
There is so much I could write, but I will leave it here.

There are other, more personal parts of the journey that can wait for another day....