2021 - Part 1 - General Reflections

Wow...what a year, hey! When people were excitedly declaring the end of 2020, I was thinking, "Things don't just get better because the clock ticks past midnight". I was praying for a better 2021, but didn't expect the first day to magically remove the dramas of 2020. 

For me, 2021 began with a season of loss and grief. In March, we were informed our friend was in the ICU after 2 big strokes. She was only 44, and one of the healthiest people we knew. I struggled to know what to pray...for healing? For a peaceful departure? I just put her in God's hands. Nobody wanted to lose her, but neither did we wish a life of suffering or loss of independence on her. In the end, God took her home. Her departure shook us deeply...and also brought people together. I know she would have loved that... People connecting, and re-connecting in shared mourning, reminding each other of their importance to each other. I also have no doubt she would have heard those precious words, "Well done, good and faithful servant".

This was also the time we were informed my father-in-law had terminal cancer... God took him home only a few months later...in May. We were so blessed to be able to travel to NSW to see him before he left us. The borders were closed a few weeks later! His passing meant I had lost both my parents-in-law. We no longer had family living in NSW. It was a huge, unexpected loss. So many "small" things stopped. No more skype calls, text messages, sending gifts & cards via Express Post... and the death of dreams that won't come to pass... You often don't realise how important and valued these "small" things are until they stop. 

Early in 2021, after the many Lockdowns of 2020, Melbourne successfully eradicated covid! We were beginning to experience a sense of our "new normal". People were beginning to socialise and enjoy exploring their surroundings again. We were venturing out, beyond restrictions we had become used to. We were seeing our families again. Churches were open, no longer solely online. Coffee catch ups were back. Complacency slowly crept in... "Don't worry, nobody has covid!" But many were still aware that could change. There was no guarantee. Some people predicted a coming "worse wave". It FELT unrealistic, but we were still on guard, in a sense.

Then...it happened. After all the suffering & hard work of Melbourne and Victoria to eradicate the virus... Outsiders with no understanding of how much we'd endured, recklessly brought it across the border. "Recklessly" may sound harsh, but at the time, Melbourne felt abused. There was little remorse from those who deliberately ignored our proven Covid-safe rules. The honeymoon was over! Those predictions of "worse" came to pass... Melbourne was no longer the "World's Most Livable City". We gained a new title, "World's Most Locked Down City". 

2021 has been a rollercoaster year. People reached their limits. Covid-fatigue became the normal. EVERYBODY was tired. Everybody was fed up with not being able to see their families and friends. Birthdays were spent in Lockdown- isolated from loved ones. Significant birthday parties were rescheduled, rescheduled...then cancelled. Weddings were up in the air again.

We needed Work Permits to go to work... PPE was ramped up. Not only were staff/carers Covid-fatigued, but our vulnerable clients displayed signs and symptoms. They coped much better during 2020. But the resilience some showed in 2021 was just beautiful. It was a challenging year, giving so much of ourselves mentally and physically. Trying to help people have a good day, despite the many restrictions and Covid-safe practices. It was a blessing to go to work, although by the end of the year, we were ALL utterly exhausted! The Christmas break couldn't come fast enough.

If 2021 were a cupcake, the vaccine was like adding choc chips made of mud. During 2020, people prayed for a vaccine. In 2021 they were threatened by the very thing they prayed for. There were so many variables, facts vs myths, etc... And minds that ran wild with whatever information they read or saw, without first checking the facts. Fear-mongering and division became very evident. People became divided. Many made the decision to have the vaccine, after doing their research, weighing up the pros and cons, and much prayer. Many chose against it. What I've found, is Christians I know who felt to have it, felt God's Peace. Many, like me, were hesitant. But God's Peace is EVERYTHING. Many who chose against it, also have that same Peace. It's those who have little to no peace who seem to be caught up in the confusion. Nobody WANTED to have the vaccine. Most recipients felt they needed to protect those they love, the front-liners, community, and themselves. For those who have peace about the vax, the benefits far outweighed the risks. Plus, we have faith in God's protection. Without that, we wouldn't have His peace. 

Unfortunately, the vaccine mandate was enforced. We lost some great colleagues. It was a very unsettling time. I made the decision a week before the mandate was announced, so feel very blessed that I was NOT forced. It took many months for me to feel that peace. But when it came, it never left. It took faith...and now for myself, and many others who have crossed that bridge, there is no turning back. 

If you are still unsure of the vaccine, I challenge you to stop listening to ALL voices for a day or so, then only listen to a few voices you trust- who will give you honest and factual information. Because, any voice with a biased agenda will just steal your peace and feed your confusion. Then make your decision, either way, WHEN you feel peace. You are responsible for YOUR decision, nobody else's. Also, don't forget to love those who have chosen differently. 

I love a quote I recently heard, 

"It takes faith to HAVE the vaccine,

and it takes faith NOT to have the vaccine".

 

Now that the new variant is out there, it looks like we won't enjoy the feeling of living in a "Covid-free" state again, or at least not in the near future. But we also won't experience the same kinds of Lockdowns we've endured during the last 2 years. I honestly think lockdowns won't be as effective, as many Covid-fatigued people have reached their limit, and blatantly ignore the rules. To healthcare workers like me, it's disrespectful and selfish, but clearly evident that Covid-fatigue is real and people are greatly impacted. 

It feels that 2022 will need to be a year of LOVE. People are worn out... We need to positively reconnect as a community. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Melbourne should be proud- we DID IT! We suffered. We endured. We didn't give up, although it would have been easy. The majority of people did the right thing, and now we're all reaping the rewards of freedom and reconnection. Let's not forget how hard we fought for this.

We don't know what 2022 holds, but I feel more hopeful and expectant than I did on 31st December 2020. 

Thanks for enduring the rollercoaster! Here's to a happier, more connected 2022! 🦋

God's sense of humour

 I love God's sense of humour! Sometimes prophetic people get so used to GIVING, they forget to be open to RECEIVE. 

Over the last few days, God has been showing me a picture of a particular object. I couldn't figure out WHAT it meant or WHO it was for. This morning, He showed it again...and ended His silence. In an endearing voice, He said, "This one's for you, silly!" The penny finally dropped and we both had a giggle!

Vaccine or No Vaccine?

I finally made the decision re whether or not to be vaccinated. I don't believe my decision itself is important- but the journey that brought me to this point is. 

I have never been anti-vax, but have been extremely hesitant of the covid ones. I didn't feel peace about being vaccinated. At one point, I felt it would be an act of disobedience to God...I still can't tell you WHY, because I don't know, but at THAT time, the feeling was very real. Now that feeling is no longer active. Maybe there was a real threat to my health that I've avoided...I don't know.

Unless you have managed to avoid all the Covid-related propoganda that has been circulating since the pandemic began in 2020, you would be aware of the MANY voices fighting to be heard. Some are worth listening to, while others are filled with fear. People have been reacting out of fear. I have never seen so much agenda-driven fear mongering! ...and bullying. 

There has been a great deal of judgement and accusations, even people saying Christians will go to hell for being vaccinated. I'm unaware of anything in the bible to support this fear-filled accusation!

What I found, was even though I wasn't actively listening to most voices, I was tuning into enough to make me feel unsettled. I heard voices for and against, and both sides made good points. I felt unsettled. I ignored most articles/videos/voices people tried to feed me. I didn't agree with the spirit behind them...although I acknowledge there was love in the effort.

I'm a healthcare worker. What helped me is knowing there is currently NO vaccine mandate for my field of work. (Just a real threat of an impending mandate). Therefore, whatever decision I made has not been forced upon me to keep my job. 

One major reason for my hesitancy, is the bullying tactics from other healthcare workers, Christians, and people in general. Those public comments on social media basically condemning anybody for choosing not to be vaccinated, made me feel even less interested in considering it. I'm the kind of person who reacts stubbornly when TOLD what to do by a voice that holds NO authority... I won't be bullied or made to feel bad or guilty for having a mind of my own. 

So, after unfollowing many voices on social media (positive and negative), I began to feel my peace return. I realised that much of my unsettled-ness was not my own. It was what I was subconsciously picking up from others. It took disconnecting myself to realise that.

Much of the information offered was over a year old. I was once a research student. It reminded me that I only wanted recent information. No old news. So I chose to ignore any "facts" or opinions provided more than 6 months ago. Technology progresses quickly! Much of the current fear was based on old information. 

Once I felt settled & grounded, I carefully selected a few voices to listen to. 

A big factor for me is fertility, so I chose some trusted voices on that topic.

I also attended an information session hosted by my workplace. 

These sources simply presented the facts. What I really appreciated was the delivery of FACTS and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE UNKNOWN. 

To hear the pros and cons, and understand the facts presented without any emotional, religious, or fear-filled motives. No agendas, apart from informing others and offering recommendations. Did you hear that? Recommendations. To make an informed decision.

I also watched some unbiased videos explaining how the vaccines are made (including the history of reaching the current methods) and how they work. 

A few days later, my peace was returned. I know whichever decision I made will anger some people. That's ok. I go with my gut- I listen to my spirit and God's voice. People have good reasons for making their decisions, and I respect that. I would never tell anybody which decision is right for them. I believe in free will. I am grateful for the opportunity to take my time in coming to my decision.

What I've learned, is opinions and emotions can be damaging! 

Do your own research and don't allow anybody to pressure you into a decision.

In the end, you are accountable for your own choices, so make the right one for the right reasons.

You don't owe anybody an explanation. You owe yourself peace. 

I hope this encourages somebody. 

Communication Styles and Loving Others

Something this season has highlighted for me is the communication styles of people on social media.

The Bible says, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35. 

One simple, yet vital word in that phrase... LOVE. It appears that through this pandemic, many Christians have forgotten how to love. The sad part is they probably don't even recognise it.

When I think about communication styles, I often think about the different versions of the bible. Most people are aware of the King James Version (KJV). The olde worlde language consisting of thees and thous. But this is not the first choice for most bible-reading Christians. There are other versions that use modern language. The version(s) we use comes down to personal preference. 

In my view, at one end of the spectrum of bibles is the KJV, and at the other end, The Message Bible (MSG). The MSG uses modern day language, to the point it reads like a story. It is relatable. You don't need a dictionary or thesaurus to understand what you are reading. Often it is a good translation to compare with others. 

Having said that, I deliberately use the MSG communication style on social media. I want to be relatable. I want people who read my words to understand what I am communicating, with no feelings of judgement or segregation. I want to be a positive voice in the sea of negativity.

There are many who deliberately use the KJV communication style. Unfortunately, this style often carries with it a sense of judgement and fear. There is no feeling of love. There is love in their motive, but it does not carry into the audience. Many readers, including other Christians, feel judged and attacked through this communication style.

This pandemic has caused much fear and confusion. There are voices everywhere, even when you're not actively listening. I call this "chatter", and I'm done with it! Positive and negative chatter. Since I decided to ignore ALL chatter, my peace has returned. 

What we need in this season, more than ever is love. 

We shouldn't need words to tell people we are Christian. Our actions and attitudes should do that. We should be recognised because of our love for others. It is not our place to judge. Our job is to simply love. 

What a different world...

Well, it has been quite some time between posts, hasn't it!

You'd think a global pandemic, and continuous lockdowns would give me more time to write...and I guess that's true, but it has also been exhausting.

I've been blessed to be an Essential Worker, so life hasn't changed much in my household. Both of us go to work, have our social tanks filled daily, and don't feel lonely or the need to physically connect with other people. It helps to be introverts in this season. 

I am aware there are others who feel the opposite. It is tough. Lockdown 6, which was supposed to last 7 days...has been extended so many times, we've lost track of what day we're at! It has been at least a month... I think...

The world has changed. People are becoming angry and selfish. Judgemental and defensive. I don't believe it's necessarily on purpose. I think most people are just TIRED. Covid-fatigued. At least, that's how it is in Melbourne. Drivers are cutting other drivers off when there is no traffic to wait for. They're not thinking when they begin to drive. People of faith are attacking others of the same or different faiths. People are refusing to respect others. There is so much fear and uncertainty. So much anxiety.

The enemy has found "cracks" and has been creating division among people of faith. If I am honest, there are only two places where I feel safe: home and work. They are the only places where everybody is on-board with protecting each other. Everybody treats each other with the same respect and value. Nobody wants to encourage the virus in any way. 

As always, I look for the rainbows- because there is always a rainbow when you look for one! Sometimes God even shows me a tangible one. Most times, I feel the rainbow in my heart. 

We're all tired... If I could say one thing to encourage anybody feeling Covid-fatigued, I would say to simply Be Kind. Kindness doesn't cost much. You never regret being kind, but you might regret your words or actions through retaliation, hurt or anger. Plus, one simple act of kindness could be the one thing to make another's day. 

Stay strong and safe. And Be Kind. 

Reflections on 2019

I wrote this on my Facebook page yesterday, New Year's Eve:

"2019... you have been one bumpy ride! But no path worth travelling is simple. There have been many unexpected bumps, potholes and detours on the road this year...but many of us have just kept travelling. Trusting the path... trusting that no setback would be too hard... and choosing to move forward. So here we are...at the end of 2019, and we can smile that we made it! We survived the bumpy ride, and whatever is on the other side of the door (2020) is a fresh, new page of a new chapter. Stay strong, and don't lose hope. This bumpy ride prepared us for greater things!"

2019 was a big year! A year where God's peace & joy we're proven many times in my heart. Where I found myself facing unexpected challenges that could have turned my world upside down...or given me the strength to keep walking along the bumpy path with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
I chose the latter. Despite the trials, I can joyfully say God has me in the palm of His hand. He only wants the best for me and my family...and no matter what, He supplies all my needs. 2019 tested that belief, and only made my faith increase.

I learned what it is like to fully trust God with my finances. I faced the possibility of being made redundant. I knew in my heart that whatever the result, I would be ok. As challenging and unsettling as it was, I maintained peace in my heart. The morning of our individual meetings to tell us if we still had our jobs, and if our hours would be changed... I took the train and enjoyed the walk  to work. My heart was peaceful and hopeful. I saw a rainbow as I was nearing work. That was God's still, small voice saying, "I have you covered".
I still have a job, but lost a significant amount of hours... But seeing how things have turned out, I know God knew the best outcome for me, even if it was initially disappointing. I can still cover my bills, and have the opportunity to make up hours when available. So, it turned out ok.

2019 was also a milestone year for me. I turned 40. I still don't know how 40 is supposed to feel, but I'm sure it's not how I feel! People can't believe my age, which is nice.  Life has not gone the way I expected. I never thought I'd be childless at 40. The Bible says, in his heart man plans his steps, but it's the Lord's plan that prevails. 2019 certainly proved that.

This is more of a highlight reel of the many challenges faced during the year. There were many things that unsuccessfully tried to steal my joy. Many times I felt mentally and physically exhausted...but I always saw a rainbow when I needed reassurance and hope. 

There was a period of withdrawal. I lost interest in things I previously enjoyed...struggled to reply to messages and emails... I didn't realise the significance of my behaviour until my naturopath labelled it. She turned on the lightbulb of realisation. There were times I just couldn't understand my own behaviour... The fatigue that was unrelated to previously medically diagnosed fatigue. 2019 gave me experiences of being human in ways I previously never knew.

2019 was a year of testing and growth. A bumpy road, but a road worth travelling. The end of a decade.

I know that whatever 2020 holds, there will always be a rainbow when I need one...I will always be surrounded by love, and God will supply all my needs.
I am hopeful of promises coming to pass....to experience the "double portion blessings" related to "2020".

Goodbye Chapter 2019... Hello new chapter 2020!

God is bigger than a label - fertility journey

I hate the term "unexplained infertility" - because it sounds like a statement imposed on you...like somebody has stapled that label to your soul... I refuse to own that label. Because my faith in God brings hope to my soul. Labels only stick if you accept them. I respect my various medical practitioners knowledge and experience, but my faith is bigger than their knowledge.

The fertility journey is not an easy one. If you don't have a thick skin before you find yourself on this journey, you either grow one, or live a miserable life. So many people choose to accept the label imposed on them, so instead of choosing to be positive, they fall into what Anne of Green Gables refers to as, "the depths of despair". Happiness is a choice. Along this journey of living with a deep desire to be parents, are many, many, many challenges and unexpected roadblocks or detours. It either draws you closer as a couple, or you get stuck in the depths of despair...hopeless...jealous...angry at the world...and possibly each other.

This journey requires grace and forgiveness. If you don't have a thick skin, other peoples' comments, despite how genuinely caring they are, can stir up anger. There is no escape from the insensitive comments or unsolicited advice. Fact is, these people care about us, otherwise they would not try to be helpful - even when they are often the opposite. They don't understand. They don't intend to be hurtful. If you don't learn to be graceful and forgive, you could be a very bitter person.

Here are some of the most common, unhelpful comments received by those on this journey:
"Are you doing it right?" or  "Are you ovulating?" or "Are you doing it at the right times?"
"Don't you want kids?"
"Stop worrying"
"Just relax and it will happen"
"You better get a hurry on, you're not getting younger!"
"You can't possibly be as tired as me" (a new mother to somebody quietly pushing through chronic fatigue!)

This is where my imagination takes me to the movie, "Madagascar". Those penguins are often in my head when I hear something I don't like... "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave". Because, unfortunately, this is so relevant. In my case, it's more like "Smile and walk away [gracefully]". Needless to say, those penguins put a smile on my face, even if the triggering comment doesn't.

I have always been that person who looks for the silver lining in everything. I've been through various traumas in my life. I've had good reasons to question my faith and even walk away from God... but instead of that, I grew closer to Him. Where many others have walked away, I found myself even more deeply grounded in my faith.

The difference with fertility, compared to the other traumas of life...is I have no control over the outcome. Through other traumas I have found ways to cope and move forward. I have healed. This one requires 100% faith. Faith that for whatever reason it is taking so long...the promise is still there. Faith that encourages you to keep walking, even if you can't see where the path is going. Faith that there is always a purpose in our suffering. Faith that, no matter what, our marriage is strong, and our love will not decrease because we are not yet parents. Faith that we will always have each others' backs. Faith that God fulfils his promises. Faith that we will always have everything we need.

I am an optimist. I am also human. Imperfect. I've been tempted to enter the depths of despair. This journey forces you to face emotions, including grief, anger, jealousy... To question, "Why me?" or "Why them?" or "How is that fair?" Once I was in a shopping centre, and a mother interacted with her child in such an abusive manner, my heart wanted to grab the child and rescue her from her ungrateful mother. It broke my heart to witness such abuse that appeared 'normal' to that family. Naturally, my heart was crying, "Why does she have children and not me??"

Almost daily, I see posts on apps or social media from people deep in the depths of despair. They are angry, jealous, desperate... To be honest, I don't read most of them. As soon as I sense any kind of negativity, I move on. I'm not interested in hearing their negatives. However, when I see fellow Christian ladies writing that they are struggling at the doorstep to the depths of despair... I read them. Because any person on this journey would be lying if they said they never felt angry, jealous or sad. For some ladies, each month turns into a cycle of grief: Denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance. Not for me. I think I've just come to the point of acceptance. Acceptance, that every month added to this journey, is a month closer to the end promise. Yes, every month is hopeful...but I don't take tests or get excited or anxious. I just wait. Wait to see what my body does. Hope for a different response... and feel sad when the same thing happens... but move on. When you've travelled this journey as long as 6-7 years (Yes, I lost count! While many ladies can tell you how many days or years including weeks, I can't even remember the start!), you kinda just keep moving. Keep living. Keep trying. Never giving up.

While many couples are investing in their families, so are we! Many don't understand just how much a childless couple invests into their future family...financially, emotionally, physically... we don't go on holidays because the money we would save towards that, is money invested into health/fertility treatments. We've been through countless blood tests, invasive medical treatments and tests (eg, HSG), taken medications that turn our emotions upside down (eg, Clomid), sometimes surgery (I had a myomectomy in 2015), and sat through many conversations in specialists and doctors offices. It's not fun! But we would do it all again if we had to. Currently, I am invested in natural therapies. We have no current interest in medical interventions such as IVF. We support those who do go through it, but don't feel drawn to that path. The things you learn about the human body, on this journey! I would gladly be ignorant and have children in my arms, than have the knowledge I have...but as I am not currently holding my children, I am grateful for the knowledge.

One thing I wish others would understand is, it's not personal. One unexpected pregnancy/birth announcement can tip us off balance, emotionally, but add 2 or 3 to that, and we find ourselves just trying to stand, emotionally. It's not that we don't care, or aren't happy for the parents/parents to be. It's just hard to focus on that news and not feel sad that it's not us. It's another reminder of what we do not yet have. We have many friends who have not only started their families during the time we've been trying, but also completed their families. 2-4 children in the same time we still have none. Don't get me wrong, we are happy for the couples. We just need a little time to process. If you see a "Like" or happy emoticon on a social media post, please know that small gesture took a lot more than a quick thought. It is a piece of our heart. If you don't see a comment, please know it's not due to lack of care. Sometimes the "Like" is all our heart can offer at that time. But please also understand that small piece of our heart, is full of love and happiness for you.

So....as another year comes towards a close, and another almost completed year added to this journey, I am still hopeful. As with last year, and the years before that... I will enter the new year with the hope that this time next year will be different... and faith that if it isn't... my heart will be ok.